I skipped work to stalk him.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
