And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
