Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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