sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
