I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
