When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Life is so much better after having sex.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
