Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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