Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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