She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
should my penis look like a turkey
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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