You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
