Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
