He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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