Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
