you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
