Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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