I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
