Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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