At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
