i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
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