Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
