You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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