First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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