I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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