last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I could make wine with my vomit
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
