I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
