All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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