I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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