Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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