i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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