i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
