Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I have tasted many bathrooms
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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