You really coming over, don't trick.
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
