so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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