go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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