how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
