It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
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