just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
