I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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