if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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