I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
