i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
