There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
