Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize