Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
