Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
