I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
