my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just blew my weed a kiss
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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