Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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