just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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