I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i dont even know how to be here
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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