Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
