Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
