Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
