The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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