awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
