I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
