I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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