I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
