True but thats because hes a fetus.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
