Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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