so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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