I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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