But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
