if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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