I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Edward fifth and chaser hands
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
