Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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